1. Flight Of The Jailbirds: Riots and mayhem erupted at Folsom Prison yesterday when a computer error caused for all of the doors in Cell Block 2A to come open during what was supposed to be a lock down. Warden Ronnie Cash and two of his guards, Jeremy Martin and Ghu Xi Lao, were overcome by the inmates and perished trying to restore order. All told, 49 men died that day: the Warden, 7 guards, and all 41 inmates of Cell Block 2A. Folsom prison has a No Tolerance policy when it comes to escape attempts. So if you ever find yourself enjoying the hospitality of sweet Folsom Prison and decide to cut you stay short just remember: It doesn’t matter if you escape or get caught, either way your sentence is finished.
2. T Minus 3 And Counting: With just a few days left till the Aerial Ballet, things are really taking off at the Grand Marsh Airfield. The runways not being utilized for the show are now packed with stadium seating, bazaars and funnel cake factories. It seems to me that regardless of which Corp. is telling the truth, the spectators are going to come out on top. Also, In order to keep things family friendly (even in the case of Elemental carnage), only robots will be flying the planes to insure that no one gets hurt. That is not to say that the robots aren’t capable of being harmed (which would be totally robophobic and insensitive), just that our shiny friends are many times more durable and repairable that us fleshbags.
3. Internet Diva 2.0: The rumors have been confirmed that Goskorporatsiya has indeed decided that after 194 years, Anastasia is going to retire. The outdated A.I. will be replaced with a sleeker, sexier model named Karenina. Whereas Anastasia more or less had to program herself from the ground up, Karenina has been crafted by people who actually know what they’re doing and are making full use of nearly 200 years worth of technological advances. For those of you old enough to remember the first Hologram Films, you know what I’m talking about when I say that yesteryear’s “State of the Art” is today’s garbage. Karenina goes live later this month, and I, for one, welcome our new internet overlord.
4. That Which Does Not Kill You: Will still put you in the hospital for a very long time. Mahiir Nacik was lucky enough to only need a full body cast after his latest death-defying feat. What was supposed to be a new world record Jetcycle jump ended in shrapnel and shattered dreams/bones for the daredevil. His attempt to soar through 3 flaming rings over a 150ft long trench filled with manticores ended in catastrophe, when the propulsion system crapped out halfway through the jump. The second flaming ring caught Mahiir in a loving, fiery embrace, holding him just long enough to be considered “well done” before snapping and sending our hero into the pit of hell beasts. Mahiir claims his lucky toothpick saved his life, and that manticores aren’t so bad once they stop chewing on you.