1. ChryoTanked: Stock shares plummet for the “heroes of the skies”. Rodney & Flecks have accused CT of spreading misinformation and false advertising with regards to Cid Lufaine’s claims of Air Elemental proof planes. R&F states that they know for a fact that the Air Elemental is not being fooled, but is actually deceased. To back up its claims, R&F will be hosting an aerial ballet using planes which were grounded two years ago. The event is scheduled two weeks from today, so get ready to see which monopoly is being honest, and which one stands to go down in flames! (Shares dropped from $169 a piece to $137)
2. O.F.F. is back ON: The chart topping band, Our Freudian Friendship, has announced an end to their hiatus. They plan on kicking things off with a tour starting in their hometown of Zeru and sweeping across the globe. All capital cities are on the hit list, so keep and eye out for ticket sales in your area. The band denies all claims that they’ve been working on a new album in secret, but they did have a new single for all the disk jockeys. The new song is titled “Head Crab vs. Face Hugger” is already headed for the stars.
3. A.I. gone M.I.A.: Our Lady of the Web has been absconded with! Or so claims a handful of nutters from the blacker depths of the innerspace. Techies, geeks and cyber-savants are all up in arms over the sudden absence of their mistress, but there is not once shred of evidence to their claims. When asked about the matter, the spokesmen at Goskorporatsiya would only smile and say that stealing a program that has strong-armed itself into demi-godhood would be akin to eating a mountain. The man also vaguely hinted at the possibility that even the great Anastasia was past due for a replacement. Anastasia 2.0?
4. Dude, where’s my scientist: Dr. Daedalus Mayer has been missing after his lab was bombed by squirrel zombie-slaves. I kid you not. Three scientists were under the effects of a squirrel mind control device that backfired, causing for them to become the unwilling slaves to their new overlord. They were under the influence for roughly 4 days before their master, Stormaggedon, Dark Lord of All, forced them to assault the neighboring lab with squirrely wrath! The Formians of Yggdrasil put the rebellion down in short order, and once freed the scientists turned on their former master. So if you see Dr. Mayer, please send him home to his wife. She is “way sad and stuff” at his “not cool” decision to skip dinner last night.