Bear's Elemental Mayhem

Becoming a Lich

In honor of Rache

Since there was no real action this last game session, have a gander at the means by which everyone’s favorite sociopath attained eternal life! I always imagine this being read by Julia Child.

Becoming a Lich:

So you wish to cheat death and obtain a body which will survive forever. Marvelous! Just use this handy guide to obtain immortality.

Ingredients:

(1) Soul of an innocent (must be human).
(1) Still beating heart of a sworn enemy (also human).
(1) Phylactery.
(12) Nightshade infused candles.
(1) Full set of child’s teeth (kids have 20 teeth).
(2) Basilisk eyes.
(1) Vial of mother’s milk (still human).
(2) Grams of belladonna
(1) Parent’s skull

Prep work:
  • Take your parent’s skull, flip it upside down, and cut away anything that keeps it from being a bowl.
  • Use a mortar and pestle to grind the children’s teeth into a fine powder (don’t skimp on the elbow grease here, the finer the powder, the better).
  • Sharpen your knives.
  • Place the candles in a perfect circle around the place where you will perform the final act of the rite (make certain you have enough room for both you and your phylactery in the circle).
  • Master the spell “Necrotic Ray”.
Directions:
  • Preheat your oven to 350°
  • Cook the Basalisk eyes for 30 minutes or until the iris blanches.
  • Light the candles.
  • In the skull bowl, mix the belladonna and powdered teeth.
  • Slowly add the mother’s milk to the skull bowl while stirring.
  • About when the eyes finish, you should notice a faint haze from all of the candles. It will now be safe to release the innocent soul you have into the air without fear of it escaping.
  • Take the cooked eyes, slit them open and scoop out all of the unnecessary jelly. Find the pocket of purple flesh in the center of the eye and carefully remove it without breaking it open.
  • Grind the basilisk eye cores in your skull bowl slowly. Use a twisting, crushing motion to insure you get the full effect.
  • Cast “Necrotic Ray” on the skull bowl. This should turn the contents from a lilac color to a pale blue with black veins.
  • Cut the still beating heart out of your sworn enemy (sharp knives!), take a mouthful of the blood from it but don’t swallow any just yet. Place the heart atop the skull bowl. With the heart now removed from its owner, you have only moments to complete the rite.
  • Place the skull bowl in the candle circle next to your phylactery.
  • Stand in the center of the circle, raise your arms above your head, and look up into the nightshade mist. Allow the mouthful of blood to trickle down your throat as you lock eyes with the soul of the innocent trapped in the air.
  • Slit your wrists (sharp knives!) and with your vocal cords now coated in blood, say the sacred words “Klaatu Barada Nikto”.

If you perform the rite correctly, the phylactery will pull your soul out of your body and into itself for safe keeping. The components of the skull bowl will devour the heart of your enemy, the soul of the innocent, the nightshade infused air, and the life essence from anyone in the room. From within the phylactery, you must command your body to drink the contents of the skull bowl, which will keep your body from decaying.

Accidental Lichdom:

If you should find that you were made a Lich by happenstance or magical tomfoolery, then it may not be necessary to follow the above verbatim. Use your judgment to determine which parts of the rite were overlooked in your personal transformation. Your physical body will have incorporated any of the components needed for the spell which were at hand when you became a Lich, and will not need to be obtained again.

Your Life as a Lich:

Now that you have entered into the ranks of the undying, there will be a few aspects of your new existence which will noticeably differ from your previous one. Such as:

  1. You no longer breathe. While this may dampen your spirits a bit if you are an avid gardener and live for the scent of fresh flowers, take heart. You can no longer drown or be harmed by noxious fumes!
  2. You no longer eat. Again, you will miss out on all of your previous favorite treats, but the boon is that you will never again have to suffer through your Aunt’s chicken spaghetti.
  3. Self resurrection. Should your body sustain a mortal blow, fear not! As long as your Phylactery is intact, you will rise again in short order. And it only takes about twelve seconds!
  4. Stunted healing abilities. Taking care of your new form can be tedious. All healing effects apply for half of their normal amount.
  5. The Phylactery is life. Anything happens to your soul’s new home, you get a one way ticket to the afterlife.
  6. Physical limitations. Your undying body can no longer bulk up. Hope you hit the gym a lot in your previous existence, cause your strength, dexterity and constitution are now set in stone. Magic means of self buffing still work though, so don’t get too worried.
  7. Fortitude immunity. Since your circulatory system no longer functions and your organs are there just for show, you need not ever fear being poisoned. Or suffering from frostbite.

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